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I really don’t know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say.
It initially played like any other night really. Once again, I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened.
“Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!”
Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle, sitting upright at my feet.
“Hey boy, did you hear that?” I whispered instinctively. “Someone’s in the house.”
My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me.
“Don’t think so.”
I swore Parker spoke but it couldn’t be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible.
“Who’s there?” I yelled into the night. “Whoever it is, I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.”
I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level.
“Okay. I’m fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.”
“You’re breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.”
It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick.
“Okay, good one Steve. You wired up the dog with a little speaker. Very funny.”
My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank—it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged.
“Don’t think so. Nope it’s me, Parker,” the dog mumbled.
I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on.
“Parker? Are you talking to me?”
“Well I’m not talking to myself.”
I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned.
“This can’t be. I’ve got to stop watching Animal Planet.”
“Listen, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so …”
“You are talking!” I interrupted incredulously.
“Should you want I bow wow?”
“Holy cow! Parker you are talking.”
“Yup. But I’m not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before …”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don’t mind.”
I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I’m here to tell ya I don’t like what I’m hearing.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“Afraid not.”
Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own.
“Hey, can I ask you something before you get to your stuff?”
“Make it quick. I haven’t got all night.”
“You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right?”
“Four hundred.”
“Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.”
“Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks?”
“Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney’s or Ted Kennedy’s septic tank? And you know how much crap they’re filled with.”
“That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn’t like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It’s a broader pallet if you will. We don’t smell stink. We smell identity, mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street?”
“Yeah.”
“She has stomach cancer and her humans don’t have a clue.”
“You are kidding me?”
“She probably has less than six months if they don’t get her to a vet soon.” He paused to lick his right front paw. “Yeah, and another thing. Don’t take me out at nights for awhile.”
“Why?”
“Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That’s why.”
“You know this from the smell of possum poop?”
“Excrement.”
“Whatever.”
“Yup.” Parker yawned as if bored. “So is that it? Can I say what I need to say?”
“Well there is that thing you do with that licking your, you know, your …”
“Penis?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Jealous are we?”
“Well, it’s just that …”
“It’s all about keeping clean. Nothing pleasurable if that’s what you’re driving at. Nothing like what you do with your hand. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t pet me afterwards. Nope, no pleasure; it’s all business. You made sure of that when you had me “fixed”, remember. Thank you very much.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea you knew any different.”
“No idea my butt. I’ll ‘no idea’ ya.” He paused again to lick his right paw again and then continued. “But I don’t hold it against you. We don’t hold grudges. Heck, if we did, we would have mauled most humans dead by now. Which brings me to why I am talking to you.”
“No grudges. Really? I mean that “fixing” stuff is pretty serious. That’s pretty good if that doesn’t bother you.”
“You done? Can I get to my concern?”
“Sure. Sorry. Go ahead.”
“How can humans be so smart supposedly, while they single handedly are destroying the Earth?”
“You mean global warming?”
“It’s more than that. It’s the air. It’s the water. It’s the dirt. It’s the forests. It’s the killing. It’s the anger. It’s the hate. It’s the grudges. It’s the fear. It’s everything.”
“Oh come on. You’re being a little dramatic.”
“We don’t know dramatic.”
“Well give me examples of what you mean.”
“First of all, the air is filled with danger. Dogs, cats, birds, animals of all kinds can smell it. It is our biggest topic when we get together.”
“I don’t smell a thing.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem. And you can’t taste the troubled water either.”
“Scientists don’t seem to be complaining. So I should be listening to a dog?”
“We have no agenda. Dogs call it as they smell it.”
“ ‘call it as they smell it’; I’m suppose to just accept that?”
“Yeah, there is a lot you should just accept.”
“Oh yeah, like what else?”
“Well, and here is what I think is the crux of the problem, you keep choosing the wrong alpha humans.”
“What?”
“You’ve got this alpha thing all wrong. Just because animals order their packs based on physical size and strength doesn’t make it so for humans. We do it because we are simple. You do it because you are thoughtless. That’s what we, and I think it is fair to say I am speaking for all animals, don’t get. Humans are able to think things through. But they never do. Well, that’s not completely true; some have but they are mocked or marginalized.
An alpha dog barks and gets all puffy, like that wacky shepherd Sarge from around the block. The worst he can do is break out of his electronic fence and charge one of us. But you humans take it up a notch.”
“Can you give me a for instance?”
“God there are so many. Let me see. Okay, you’ve elected a president who pounds his chest and walks around like a gorilla with its arms all out to the side, all tough and all, carrying on with ‘bring it on’. When he jumps the fence, he brings tanks and bombs and humans loaded down in weapons and in body armor. Meanwhile, you have alpha males all over the place, flexing their muscle in their packs, threatening to obtain nuclear weapons, the great equalizer, giving the president one excuse after another to hop the fence. It’s nuts. And I for one am telling you, you’ve got it all wrong.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just start picking the right alpha humans; humans whose visions see beyond fighting, whose hearts hold no grudges, whose thoughts and reasons are not the products of testosterone, whose collective knowledge is rooted in the concept that true peace is never the consequence of war but the outcome of constant learning, negotiating and adjusting.”
“This is what you want to tell me? Nothin’ for nothin’ but it’s a little heavy for a little chat with a dog at 3:30 in the morning.”
“In a nut shell, yeah.”
It was hard to accept this from my beagle. I mean, he’s a dog; a sleeping, eating, sniffing, crapping dog. I was chalking this whole episode up to stress. I was apparently snapping.
“That’s it. I’m pretty much done. Just one last thing while I have the chance.”
“What? World hunger? String theory?” I asked sarcastically.
“You get the right alpha humans and the world hunger thing will take care of itself, smart ass. As far as string theory, who do you think I am, Hawking? I’m just a dog. No it’s more pedestrian than that, something I think you can manage.”
“Then what, already?” I asked impatiently.
“You know that thing you do occasionally where you empty the dish washer in the buff.”
“Ummm … yeah I guess.”
“Put some clothes on. It’s disturbing. I’m beggin’ ya, please!”
“All right, but only if you lick your privates in private.”
“I’ll see what I can do. No promises.”
“So this is it? No more talking? You know we could make a fortune on Letterman with his stupid pet tricks.”
“It’ll never happen. You see, this is a one time deal. Not sure why or how this is happening. Maybe that God guy is involved somehow. All I know is that when it is done, it is …” He abruptly stopped talking.
“Parker?”
Not a grunt. He yawned and as he did he stretched his front legs out and spread across the foot of the bed, his ears resting flat on the blanket.
“Parker … are you done? Is that it?”
He slowly closed his eyes and floated off to sleep.
“Parker … just like that?”
He began to twitch; in hot pursuit of a fox I imagined.
“Holy smokes. I must be dreaming myself.”
I curled back down under the safety of my covers, scratched my butt and thought about the conversation I had just had with Parker or myself or both. I sniffed the air. It smelled fine to me. What the heck was he talking about, ‘danger in the air’? It had to be a dream.
As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about getting a real job real soon, apparently this writing stuff was getting the best of me. I also made a point to remember to talk to the owners of that crazy cairn terrier. I thought it was the least I could do. One can’t be too dismissive of the unexplainable these days.
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Before the popularity of the acai berry gained notoriety we had only vitamins A, C and E consumed by drinking orange juice or taking vitamin supplements. But today, we are not talking about just small preventative measures taken, but a real blow to sickness and disease, which has taken the form of antioxidant rich functional health beverages that many consumers swear by in their quest for health and wellness.
Currently, the antioxidant gaining the most attention the acai (pronounced ah-SAH-ee) berry which is known as a super antioxidant. The acai berry is a small dark blue fruit, similar in size to a blueberry or small grape but with less pulp, that grows in clusters of berries on acai palm trees. The acai fruit is popular among health food enthusiasts because it is high in many important vitamins and minerals, including B vitamins, Omega-3 fatty acids (such as Omega-3, Omega-6 and Omega-9), and anthocyanin/anthocyanidin phytonutrients which are members of the flavonoid class of antioxidants.
The dark purple berry, which tastes something like a blend of berries and chocolate, supposedly contains 10 to 30 times the flavonoids contained in red wine. Traditionally, Brazilians used the fruit to treat stomach disorders and skin conditions. The fruit is highly unstable when picked and rots easily, so it is rare to find the acai fruit whole when you are not in the region where they are grown. Outside the tropics the fruit is usually found in either juice or pulp form. This wonder food is purported to fight cancer, control cholesterol, increase energy, improve physical intimacy and helps weight loss. Some people even use acai as a facial astringent because the fruit has high anti-bacterial properties.
The other two superfoods getting a lot of publicity are goji and mangosteen. Many people are familiar with these two superfoods because they are the ingredients in some very popular functional health beverages. However, there are ony two companies that I know of that have managed to package all three Superfoods in one container and bottle! Let’s discuss the other two main Superfoods, shall we? Both have been identified as being just as important for healthy well-being as the acai berry.
Goji Berries - are being called the World’s Most Powerful Anti-Aging Food. In addition to being cultivated in China, Goji berries are red and grow on vines in the Himalayas in Tibet, and Mongolia. The Goji fruit is nicknamed the “happy berry” because of the sense of well being it is said to induce. Goji Berries are nutritionally rich, containing Beta-carotene, Vitamins C, B1, B2, and other vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and amino acids. Goji Berries also contain complex phyto-nutrients and bio flavinoids.
Goji Berries are believed to enhance the immune system, help eyesight, protect the liver, boost sperm production, and improve circulation and longevity, among other effects. Goji Berries are sweet in taste and have the highest content of beta-carotene among all foods on earth.
Goji Berries have been used in Tibet for at least 1,700 years for the treatment of kidney and liver problems, to lower cholesterol and blood pressure, and cleanse the blood. Goji Berries have a long history of use in the treatment of eye problems, skin rashes, psoriasis, allergies, insomnia, chronic liver disease, diabetes and tuberculosis. Goji Berries are used by the people of Tibet to increase longevity and for overall general health.
Science has shown that this bright red berry not only contains extremely high levels of antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals, but also contains many unique phytochemicals, polysaccharides, and complex compounds that scientists are only beginning to understand. Goji Berries contain the following complex compounds:
Betaine, which is used by the liver to produce choline, a compound that calms nervousness, enhances memory, promotes muscle growth, and protects against fatty liver disease.
Physalin, which is active against all major types of leukemia. It has also been used as a treatment for hepatitis B. Solavetivone, a powerful anti-fungal and anti-bacterial compound.
Beta-Sitoserol, an anti-inflammatory agent. It has been used to treat sexual impotence and prostate enlargement. It also lowers cholesterol.
Cyperone, a sesquiterpene that benefits the heart and blood pressure. It has also been used in the treatment of cervical cancer.
Mangosteen- The mangosteen a tropical evergreen tree, believed to have originated in the Sunda Islands and the Moluccas. The edible fruit is deep reddish purple when ripe. The outer shell of the fruit (pericarp) is rather hard, resembling a spherical, black cartoon bomb. Cutting through the shell, one finds a very pale, fleshy fruit.
Mangosteen has compounds with antioxidant, anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, and anti-tumor activity that may help maintain intestinal health, strengthen the immune system, neutralize free radicals, help support cartilage and joint function, and promote a healthy respiratory system. Laboratory testing thus far indicates that extracts of mangosteen have activity against several cancer cell lines including breast, liver, and leukemia. Most notably, the mangosteen provides powerful anti-inflammatory benefits which play an important role in numerous health conditions.
For hundreds of years, the people of Southeast Asia have used the mangosteen, especially the rind, to ward off and treat infections, reduce pain or control fever, and treat various other ailments.
Most of the studies with mangosteen have focused on the pericarp, or the dark, woody rind as opposed to the fruit inside the woody rind. The pericarp contains the active xanthone compounds. Mangosteen is the only fruit that contains xanthones! The fruit itself probably has some beneficial compounds but the compounds within the mangosteen fruit have not been studied as well as the mangosteen rind.
Yerba mate is also one of the ingredients in this functional health beverage in addition to Aloe Vera Gel Pulp, CoEnzyme Q10, Cat’s Claw Bark and over 100 other nutritional ingredients.
Yerba Mate (pronounced yer-bah mah-tay) - Although yerba mate has not enjoyed the same level of media exposure as the acai berry has recently, it certainly commands respect and attention. Yerba mate is a tea like beverage popular in Argentina. The word mate derives from the word Mati that names the gourd that is used to drink the tea.
It is widely held that this tea contains mateine, a chemical cousin of caffeine that has subtly different properties. Though similar to caffeine in its ability to provide energy, it can have a milder and safer delivery to the body. Although, yerba mate is not known to interfere with sleep cycles, it does have a tendency to balance the cycles, inducing more REM sleep. Many people report that they require less sleep when using mate; usually such an experience is accompanied by a deeper, more relaxing sleep experience.
Yerba maté is replete with antioxidants that help the body fight free-radicals. Yerba mate may assist with the following: increased mental awareness and elevated mood, weight loss, increased ability to fight off disease and increased energy and vitality.
Additionally, yerba mate helps relieve allergies. It has been noted that yerba mate is helpful in opening respiratory passages to overcome allergy symptoms. It has been shown to reduce the severity of some allergies and hay fever. Yerba mate works by stimulating the adrenal glands to produce corticosteroids, which help suppress the inflammation and immune response due to allergies.
Does yerba mate exhibit anti-cancer properties like green tea? Aside from its significant antioxidant effects, research from the University of Illinois suggests yerba mate could in fact be a potent ally in cancer protection.
Labs around the country are starting to test the Acai to find what possible medical use it has. There is no doubt that this amazing fruit has a promising future in the medical world. While more study needs to be done to prove the effectiveness of some of these claims, there is no doubt that adding any of one of these plants or fruits to your diet will improve your overall and future health!
The health beverage industry is a booming market. It is currently producing over 4 billion dollars in sales and is forecasted to grow to over 10 billion in the next few years. The growth is being fueled by one thing: consumer demand. It should be no surprise why so many companies are jumping on the functional health beverage band wagon.
Medical Disclaimer
"Information on this site is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to act as a substitute for medical advice provided by a qualified health care provider, nor is any information on this intended to diagnose, treat, care or prevent any diseases. Statements have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration."
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Nitric oxide supplement has many benefits and there are many positive effects of nitric oxide. A free form gas produced by a breakdown of the amino acid Arginine, nitric oxide is produced by the body and the effects of nitric oxide supplement include nitric oxide supplement's ability to act as a cell communicator.
Nitric oxide supplement plays a part in controlling blood circulation and nitric oxide supplement is associated with individual pain thresholds as well as message transmissions between nerve cells. The ability of nitric oxide supplement to increase blood flow makes nitric oxide supplement of interest to body builders and other athletes.
When using nitric oxide supplement more nutrients can flood through to the muscles. Thus nitric oxide supplement aids with enhanced muscle enlargement when nitric oxide supplement is used in conjunction with regular physical training. Pain commonly associated with extreme muscular stress is reduced by an intake of nitric acid supplement, allowing athletes to train for longer periods.
The effects of nitric oxide include perpetually pumped up muscles, achieved by nitric oxide supplement, as muscles are kept supplied with nutrients for longer periods. Because nitric oxide supplement causes an overall increase in muscle fibre, the effects of nitric oxide here are muscles that both look and feel rock hard for hours when taking nitric oxide supplement. Another effect of nitric oxide supplement is that nitric oxide allows for a fast gain in lean body mass by increasing the muscle growth signals.
Additionally nitric oxide supplement stimulates the body to build the muscle power it is naturally capable of, only in increased amounts. Through an increase in muscle proteins nitric oxide promotes muscular growth. When nitric oxide supplement is used as advised the side effects are usually minimal and short lived. Side effects of too much nitric oxide supplement can include muscle weakness, nausea, exhaustion and diarrhoea.
Intake of nitric oxide supplement can aid in regulating brain, lungs, liver, kidney and stomach activities. Due to the ability of nitric oxide supplement to dilate blood vessels, nitric oxide supplement helps to maintain a penile erection for longer periods. One apparent sign of a deficiency of nitric oxide supplement could include the inability to maintain a strong erection.
The immune system receives aid from nitric oxide supplement in its fight against viral, parasitic and bacterial infections. When nitric oxide is utilized by immune system cells, nitric oxide supplement helps to fight against infection. The messages transmitted between nerve cells by nitric oxide supplement are associated not only with the pain threshold, but also with the learning process and memory functions, which are all positively affected by nitric oxide supplement.
Sleeping and depression are both enhanced through an intake of nitric oxide supplement, which are effects of nitric oxide. Studies on the effects of nitric oxide show that nitric oxide supplement is a very necessary mediator in inflammation and rheumatism.
Because nitric oxide supplement reduces muscle inflammation and strain the recovery time between physical workouts is lessened. The breakdown of proteins to amino acids and carbohydrates into glucose is further assisted by nitric oxide supplement. Easily absorbed nitric oxide supplement has the added ability to improve the body's overall food absorption ability.
These effects of nitric oxide show that maximum benefit is gained from your food and nitric oxide supplement intake. Nitric oxide supplement ensures that food is properly broken down and easily available for optimum functioning. Ensuring a healthy fitness with nitric oxide supplement, along with enhanced muscle strength are among the effects of nitric oxide supplement.
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Prostatitis simply means an inflammation of the prostate gland. The symptoms are uncomfortable at best; more often they are extremely painful and can also be dangerous. Symptoms may include pain and swelling in the area of the prostate, fever, chills, pain in the lower back, burning or painful urination, a need to urinate frequently and get up in the night, dribbling, fatigue and body aches, and pain with ejaculation. Prostatitis can severely affect the quality of life. Rigorous activity, sports, exercise-even sitting for any length of time in an office, theater or at a sporting event may become too painful to tolerate. And as for sex - it's simply not an option.
The statistics are alarming. It's estimated that over 50% of all men will suffer from prostatitis some time in their lives. And what's worse is prostatitis is no respecter of age. It can strike any adult male - and with painful consequences.
According to the American Foundation for Urologic Disease, 25% of all office visits by young and middle-aged men for genital and urinary problems are the result of prostatitis http://www.prostatehealthtips.com/prostatitis.html. It hits men in the prime of life and also is considered to be the most common of all diseases among middle-aged men.
Adding to the problem is the fact that contemporary medicine really doesn't know much about prostatitis. The Prostate Foundation has termed it "the bastard child" of urology. Though it is the most widespread disease of the prostate, it's also the least understood and the least researched. As a consequence, it is frequently misdiagnosed.
Physicians sometimes have difficulty distinguishing between the symptoms of prostatitis and benign prostate enlargement (BPH). A Harvard University study showed that urologists seeing patients with the same symptoms diagnosed them with prostatitis if they were under 50 and with BPH if they were over 50. In addition, there are four types of prostatitis, the most common of which is unfortunately the one that is the most baffling.
Prostatitis can be either acute or chronic. That is to say that it can have a sudden onset and be relatively short-lived, or be an ongoing and aggravating problem.
Acute prostatitis is likely to occur intermittently. It can cause fever, bladder discomfort, frequent and burning urination, and blood or pus in the urine. It can also result in infertility.
Chronic prostatitis is ongoing and usually increases with time. Its symptoms may include frequent urination, blood in the urine, a burning sensation, discomfort in the prostate area and lower back, painful ejaculation and even impotence.
Nonbacterial prostatitis is the most common form of the disease, but because it is also the least understood, it's the most difficult to treat. Nonbacterial prostatitis is frequently a chronic, painful condition found in men of any age. Symptoms may disappear and then return suddenly. Though no evidence of bacteria is found, semen and other prostate fluids contain cells that the body produces to fight infection.
Doctors often treat nonbacterial prostatitis with antibiotics and drugs that relax the muscles of the prostate gland, but these treatments have not been proven to be effective. In fact, they often do not work at all and can have unpleasant side effects as well.
The good news is, there are several herbal remedies that have been shown in clinical studies to help fight and in many cases - conquer prostate problems, including prostatitis. These herbs include pygeum africanum, saw palmetto and nettle root extract.
To learn more about treating prostatitis and other prostate health conditions, please visit our web site at www.prostatehealthtips.com
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Jan 21st 2006
Exactly 3 years from today I died. Then I was just another teenager, blinded, seeking direction, thirsty for knowledge, beautiful things, all the time holding hard a rope that directed me in the good and the bad. It wasn’t suicide, or normal biological death. To be completely honest, I do not know what kind of death it was, why I died, nor was there anyone or anything that caused it. All I know is that I died, and with me died the little teenager, the blindness, those insecure illusive directional arrows, and the hard rope broke. The thirst for knowledge and the beautiful things remained there forever. I daresay they became stronger, deeper, and somehow sucked the contrast, tone and values away from everything else imaginary. Even from death itself.
I still remember vague sequences from that sad day for the people who knew me. It was raining. The sky, or something that looked like one, had gray nuances and the wind deformed softly their empty eyeshades, freezing their sad numb faces and bringing tears of sorrow.
For me was completely different. I felt secure watching my coffin surrounded by people. By people... And as everyone cried I felt for the first time happy, somehow… I cannot never explain it fully how I really felt. Is it right to feel happy when someone dies? And when you see yourself inside the tomb, should you smile? What would ‘the world’ say? Does that make me evil?
I remember that I left them for a while doing their own rituals… Suddenly it became dark, very dark, and I also remember myself not being scared, but surprised. I was always being told that in the end, if you’re a good person you’ll see only white. Again, I thought: ‘Was I a bad person?’
Part 1 – God Is Evil
I started walking, maybe for a very short time, until I saw three doors. I stared at the first one. It said HEAVEN. I open it and enter inside. The first thing that catches my attention is a priest. I cannot see his face, but I do not think too much detail of this is needed anyways… He is holding a child in his lap and apparently is playing with him something. A new game, I think, because I cannot recall memories of myself when I was much younger playing with sexual organs and other’s genitals. The priest’s voice started to get louder though, and the kid did not seem to be having much fun. I stepped forward; they both saw me. I simply looked at them. The priest covered his face, ‘God forgive me!’, and run. I didn’t bother, just continued walking, thinking about the priest my good catholic parents had hired for my funeral…
On another corner lay a dark colored man and, believe it or not, sitting on a chair there was Jesus Christ talking to him. Up in a big golden throne was God. I walked up to them, but I did not say anything to Jesus. Apparently, since the first moment I was dead, the being I dedicated my whole short life seemed to me just an emotional poet who sacrificed everything for human literature.
‘Hello, my son. Welcome home!’
‘Why did you kill me God?!’ I said simply. My question surprises the other man and as he stands up he asks:
‘Yeah! Hey God, I never asked you… why did you let me die too? You are evil god!’
‘My good son… You were praying while TITANIC was taking you deep down the pacific. You should have swim. I gave you your brain so you can learn how to swim! You are an ignorant fool!’
‘But… but… I thought that you gave me my brain, my body, my whole life so I can believe and follow your path.’
God is quiet. After a while he smiles and answers: ‘Forget about that. Now you are here with me.’
I look at the man indifferently:
‘That is right. You can wonder all day in the magnificent holy fields of Heaven, listening to quiet and peaceful beautiful melodies; no more stupid people from whom you can get second hand smoke. Now you are going to enjoy Eden’s fresh air. Give it a try and maybe you will find Led Zepplin here.’
‘Wow! That sounds cool! Hey God, is that true?’
‘Yes, my son’ comes his voice.
‘Thank you father! I had always faith in you. Bless thy word, the Holy Spirit and…’
‘But there is no more sex.’ I add with a diabolical smile.
God gives me a look that can make even the devil run away… and then says to the man:
‘Sex is for the animals like the Devil. Animals are only good for food, plus they evolve. Did you know that catholic priests and nuns are not allowed to reproduce or get married?’
I give another smile to these words. God raises his voice more.
‘They are devoted to me, so I shall give them peace here. If you carnal pleasure I will send you in Hell to the Devil. There is the place for it, and that is like going back to life. Misery! He is very evil for every good thing that he gives to you! Always! Come on my son (God winks at him) you have been living in earth for 32 years…’
As God finishes the man becomes sad and all I can hear are the words ‘GOD YOU ARE EVIL!’
I walk away. I know I will not find any answers here.
Part 2 – Other forms of religion are evil
The second door opened easily as the first one. On the golden placate was written ‘Allahu Akbar*’. I enter and I see two silhouettes talking quietly inside a cave.
‘I am sorry Mohammed. I’ve been bad, a cheater, killer, liar, evil… Forgive me.’
‘I’m sorry, but it is up to Allah to decide’
(crying; murmuring the Kuran)
‘By the way, your niece, I heard, is posing “artistic” nudes for the GC!’ The other guy gets very angry and starts to scream.
‘And I thought you were the Good One! But you are evil too! Allah, Allah…’
‘Please, estakfurulla, bismilah… I just mentioned a fact, just to open a conversation, you know, until he comes for your final judging.’
‘Okay, okay. I am sorry Mohammed, but you are a little bit evil; just a little bit. (He shows his pinky’s nail)
‘Most of us Muslims live in poor countries; we have to grow to grow beard even when it’s hot; our women have to be covered in black head over heels. They are never independent. Sometimes we beat them up to death just for showing without consent their lips in public when they eat. They do not say anything. And what’s this mental tradition of cutting the skin of the penis? It hurts man… And not to mention the 5-times-a day- praying. Come on! (Whispers in the others ear) Did you know that Christians, Catholics and others pray to their God only once a day, usually, before they go to sleep? I kind of envy them…’
‘Are you questioning Allah’s rules?!’
‘No, no! I’d be evil to do that, I accept everything for Allah’
‘Then are you being evil to yourself?!’ he asks.
The other does not answer just bites his dirty nails.
‘How many wives does He allow you now?’ the questioning continues.
‘Only four. He took my other four because he said I did too much killing’ The person who was questioning before looks around once or twice and says: ‘That’s kind of evil if you think about it. You’ve got to have fun once in a while, you know… That’s what females are made for…’ I smile and leave as they continue to talk.
Part 3 – Humans are evil
There it is. The last door… It looks beautiful and seductive from the outside. It doesn’t have a name. I wonder why… To my surprise I do not see anything else except a very artistic, big, blood on canvas painting of The Universe and some kind of book. I get closer to admire the many colors** and the beautiful red tones used. It was amazing and it opened my eyes even more. The details were stunning.
People
Killing
Cheating
Lying
Stealing
Committing adultery
Taking advantage
Being hypocrites
Sexually abusing
I look down at the black space, on the corner of the canvas. The signature reads HUMAN. I smile again; this time a more intelligent smile. Suddenly I am reminded of the book. I open it and realize that it is a guestbook. I start to read:
~ People will ignore their misfortunes and their interests when they are in competition with their pleasures. ~ The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it. ~ There surely is in human nature an inherent propensity to extract all the good out of all the evil. ~ Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. ~ Death? Why this fuss about death. Use your imagination, try to visualize a world without death! ... Death is the essential condition of life, not an evil. ~ Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you.
I cannot stop smiling. I take the pen and write on a blank page with a grotesque calligraphy Human Nature Is Evil Then I sing my name into the infinite list and realize that there is more to come. I close the book and everything becomes white, clear. I am back at my funeral.
People are crying sadly. I smile; a diabolic evil smile...
